I wish I could make it better for you. I really do. I wish I could just tell you how it is and you would understand and then all would be well. But it doesn't work that way.
We all come from different experiences. We all have different ways in which we process our experiences, partly based upon our personality. What crushes one person may roll off the back with another.
Without dwelling too much on the past it goes without saying that once and awhile our thoughts take us there, don't they? And we find that there may be some awful stuff that happened which caused us sorrow and heartache. And these experiences really define who we are and who we become.
I am a Christian. What that means is that the full impact of Christ sacrificing His life for me that I may be reconciled with God made sense. God Himself breached the chasm between Himself and sinful humanity. One would not have had to die if there was no reason to die. And the severity of sin required a severe remedy. And so, I turned my eyes heavenward to receive for myself the gift of salvation and was rescued from the penalty of sin. This puts a new slant on things.
The first thing you learn is how very much God loves you. But when you've had experiences in your life that have not felt like there is a God let alone a God that loves you, God gets that. He knows everything about you. This may seem just like words to you now. But in time, you will see how God gently reveals throughout the years how very much He loves you. Did I say years? Yes. Settle it now that God is not in a hurry with most things.
The greatest thing is being loved. And knowing that God loves you no matter what is the most wonderful understanding in the world. Isn't it strange that I didn't really know that God loved me until my son died 4 1/2 years ago? That's because I had to walk alone with a broken heart and no one could help me. Yet, I can't explain it, but I knew God was with me. There's nothing like going to sleep and feeling great comfort and peace from "somewhere" when you're hurting so badly. That's God.
You are not likely to understand God's love for you from reading a book or hearing someone tell you. You may recite it hundreds of times and it just doesn't get "in there". You don't have to do any of those things. Just live your life each day, doing the routine things that moms do, and you will find God's love popping up all over the place when you least expect it. Treasure those times because He's saying to you, "I love you".
Sadly, others do not love unconditionally (as we often do not) and that is our reference point for love. We place too much emphasis on doing instead of being which often brings with it qualification or disqualification. God qualifies who others disqualify. Read the Bible. He was always going after those that no one would have thought.
God loved you before you even knew there was a God. He loves you still. No matter what you have done or not done, no matter what you will do or not do, He always loves you. Just like you love your children. Only better.